narusasunaruheadcanons-deactiva:

Yes, I do, I believe
That one day I will be
Where I was right there
Right next to you

It was eerily silent, the lack of noise in the large, spacious area unnerving him. Under the soft glow of the morning light he could see tear tracks trailing down many of the faces staring back at him, yet no sound was heard. No sobbing, no crying, no wailing. Just silence. 

But, Naruto supposed, that was what Sasuke would have wanted. 

And it’s hard
The days just seem so dark
The moon, the stars
Are nothing without you

Naruto had run through each and every moment he had spent with Sasuke a thousand times over in his head, but it was never enough. It would never be enough, and it would never be the same. 

However one particular memory wouldn’t leave him alone. Naruto didn’t know what number date it had been, yet he knew it had been at least a year into their relationship together. 

He and Sasuke had a date one evening under the stars, a rather romantic idea from Naruto if he did say so himself. Except one thing: the wind had been blowing like a bitch, and they hadn’t worn coats. 

“Why I go along with your idiotic ideas, I’ll never know,” Sasuke had said grumpily, rubbing his hands over his arms in an attempt to warm them. 

“H-Hey! It’s i-i-idiotic, T-Teme! I d-d-didn’t know it would be w-windy.” Naruto replied, his teeth chattering. He had only worn a t-shirt and jeans. At least Sasuke had a long-sleeved shirt.

Sasuke sighed, “Now you’re going to catch a cold, fantastic.”

“I n-never get sick!” Naruto declared, unfortunately sneezing twice after saying so. 

“Uh, it w-was the wind,” Naruto said at Sasuke’s questioning glare.

“Usuratonkachi.”

And then Sasuke moved over closer to him, wrapping his arms around Naruto’s waist and pulling him into side-hug. Instantly Naruto felt a rush of warmth press against him, and sighed contentedly as he embraced Sasuke tightly while they sat on the park bench. 

“Hey, look at the stars Sasuke!” Naruto said excitedly, pulling one arm away and pointing at the sky, “That cluster right there looks like your duck-butt!”

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, “You’re such a moron.”

“Hehe, but you see it don’t you? See the sexy spike at the top, and then-”

“Shut up.” Sasuke growled, tugging Naruto’s arm that wasn’t around him to wrap back around himself and cuddling in closer.

Naruto’s cheeky smile softened, and he kissed the top of Sasuke’s head and didn’t let go again.

The stars had always been something special to Naruto from that moment. Even though it hadn’t gone the way he had planned, it was one of the most romantic dates he and Sasuke had ever been on.

Now when he looked at the stars, all he saw was a jumble of bright dots. There was nothing special about them anymore, not without Sasuke. 

Your touch, your skin
Where do I begin?
No words can explain
The way I’m missing you

The first time he had touched Sasuke, and Sasuke had touched him, was a far from perfect experience, both at the time and now as a distant memory. Naruto recalled the way his hands wouldn’t stop sweating, how they dragged over Sasuke’s chest, stomach, legs with rushed, excited motions. 

But Sasuke hadn’t said a word, since he had been just as unsure. He had pulled Naruto’s hair too hard, kissed too roughly, clacking their teeth together and rolling around in a tangled mess of limbs with Naruto on the bed. 

They had been over-eager teenagers, wanting to touch every inch of each other and feel what it was like to be connected in such an intimate way. It could hardly be called making love, but to Naruto it was. And it always would be.

Because there was no way he hadn’t felt love when his stomach did a flip each time Sasuke snaked a hand around his head to pull him close and kiss him. Or when Sasuke had wrapped his legs around Naruto tightly, holding him close and whispering shakily in his ear, “Don’t you dare let me go, you idiot.” Or when he had buried his face into Sasuke’s shoulder, screaming his name in a garble of moans over and over again. 

God, he missed touching Sasuke. Even right now, if he could only reach out a hand and run it through his hair, or cup his face, or kiss his lips. 

Naruto missed everything about him.

Deny this emptiness
This hole that I’m inside
These tears
They tell their own story

At night it was the worst. That was when he could no longer pretend to ignore the gaping darkness that follows him everywhere he goes. 

Naruto hardly slept in the bed anymore. He had tried for the first few weeks, had washed it countless times, but he could still smell Sasuke. At first it had been comfortable, as if he was lying right beside Naruto once more. But then Naruto just couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t deal with waking up in the mornings with a smile already on his face only for it to drop instantly when he realised it was all a dream.

Sasuke was not there anymore. He was not there, and Naruto didn’t need a painful reminder of that each morning. 

So Naruto slept wherever he could around the house. He would sleep on the couch, on the floor, in the bathtub - sometimes when he couldn’t take it he would lie on the bed for a while. 

Being in that house brought him nothing but an innumerable amount of memories, and Naruto wasn’t sure if he wanted them or wanted to forget them half the time. 

Even when he didn’t want to, all he could think about was Sasuke. He wanted to make his brain shut up, to forget about Sasuke for a little while like he had been able to do when the man had been alive. Yet Naruto couldn’t stop. His mind was constantly swirling with thoughts of Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. 

His Sasuke. 

Sleep was like a friend he hardly saw anymore, only as rare treat on some occasions. And even then, his dreams would be plagued with memories of he and Sasuke together. 

It was like a living nightmare, and he had trouble distinguishing between the dreamworld and reality a lot. 

Told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling’s overwhelming, it’s much too strong

Naruto hadn’t cried the moment Sasuke was gone. He hadn’t cried the first night he had lain without Sasuke by his side, the coolness of the sheet his only comfort rather than the warmth of another body. He hadn’t cried when Sakura had shown up and bawled in his arms, begging him to stop pretending and just let go. 

No, the thing that broke Naruto’s promise to Sasuke not to shed any tears was when he had been going through his clothing. He had been going well, nearly finished without so much as a tear.

But then, at the bottom of Sasuke’s top drawer, Naruto pulled out one of his t-shirts. And not just any t-shirt, it had been the ugly orange and blue striped t-shirt Naruto had bought Sasuke for their first anniversary as a couple. 

“I’m not wearing that thing in public, dobe. I don’t think I can even wear it in private without feeling humiliated.” Sasuke had said, raising an eyebrow at the shirt as he lifted it up in front of his face to inspect. 

“Wha–but I spent a lot of money on that! It’s a gift, Teme, you have to accept it whether you like it or not!” Naruto had said, rather angrily too, as he pointed an accusatory finger at Sasuke.

Rolling his eyes, Sasuke folded the t-shirt and plopped it in a pile on top of the bright wrapping paper.

“Why do you have such bad taste? It’s so unfortunate.” Sasuke had sighed heavily, and Naruto had sputtered indignantly. 

“Hey you! That gift came from the love buried deep in my heart for you, are you saying my love is ugly?!”

Sasuke smirked slightly, “Well it certainly isn’t pretty, if that’s what you mean.”

“Teme!” Naruto had yelled loudly, feeling a flush come over his cheeks. 

Naruto’s lips quivered. He had thought Sasuke had thrown this away, or at least returned it to the shop or donated it. All these years, he had kept it safe in the bottom of his drawer. Why? Why had Sasuke done that? Had he worn it when Naruto wasn’t around? 

He felt the tears burning around the rims of his eyes, blurring his vision of the t-shirt he was now clutching in his hands. The moment the first tear dripped down his cheek Naruto knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his promise. 

Dropping to the ground on his knees, he hugged the t-shirt to his chest and started sobbing. And those sobs turned into cries, and wails, and moans of misery. 

He would never get to know why Sasuke had kept the shirt. He would never get to ask anything to Sasuke ever again. 

Can I lay by your side?
Next to you, you
And make sure you’re alright
I’ll take care of you
I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight

“Naruto, what are you doing?” Sasuke asked from his place on the hospital bed, his pale skin a few shades darker than the sheets and blankets he was wrapped up in.

“What does it look like, Teme?” Naruto asked, preoccupied with pulling his large orange pillow out of his carry bag and plonking it on the bed, creating a horrible contrast of colours. 

“You can’t, I don’t want to get your ass out of trouble again.” Sasuke said, putting particular emphasis on the last word as he gave a hard glare at Naruto. But the blonde could see there was really nothing in that glare, it was more for show than anything else. 

“Good thing I’m not gonna get in trouble then.” Naruto said, giving a sly grin as he stepped out of his shoes.

“Naruto.”

Said blonde looked up and saw Sasuke now had a look of concern on his face. Leaning over the rails of the bed, Naruto reached out a hand and extended his pointer finger, running it down in between Sasuke’s brows.

“Quit frowning, it’ll be fine I promise,” Naruto reassured, moving his hand so it was now cupping Sasuke’s cheek delicately. 

Sasuke’s hand came up and wrapped around Naruto’s wrist, holding it firmly, “You don’t have to do this,” he mumbled.

“Yes I do. Look, if the nurse asks I’ll just say I was lying with you and accidentally fell asleep. And even if she doesn’t believe me, I’ll just turn on the charm and she’ll be putty in my hands.” Naruto gave a saucy wink and Sasuke rolled his eyes, shaking his head. 

It made Naruto grin, because he could see the upward tilting of those perfect lips, even if it was only slight. 

“Come on, let me stay. I don’t want you to sleep by yourself again. I know you miss me.” Naruto teased, but the soft undertone of the statement did not go unnoticed.

“Hn, that’s rather presumptuous of you, isn’t it?” Sasuke replied, interlocking their fingers together and squeezing Naruto’s hand. 

Lifting down the railing, Naruto got into the bed beside Sasuke, keeping their hands together the whole time. 

“What can I say? I’m a great guy.” Naruto said, repositioning the blanket so it covered the both of them, and pulled the fuzzy grey blanket from home out of the bag and adding it to the mix.

Sasuke sighed, and leaned heavily into Naruto’s hold, tucking his face into the crook of his neck, “Yeah, you are.”

“Wake me if you need anything, Sasuke.” Naruto murmured lowly, running his hands through the glossy ebony locks soothingly. 

Sasuke hummed in response and drifted off rather quickly, and Naruto lay with him all night. 

I’m reaching out to you
Can you hear my call?
This hurt that I’ve been through
I’m missing you, missing you like crazy

Naruto wanted to believe that Sasuke could still hear him. In fact, he wanted to believe so strongly that he would talk to him in his darkest and most desperate moments when he could hold it in no longer. 

He would talk into nothingness. Naruto could be in the bedroom, in the shower, sitting outside, and his words would just spill out of him helplessly. 

“I miss you.”

“I love you so much.”

“When will it stop hurting?”

Those were among the most common, and the three he said almost every time he had a ‘conversation with Sasuke’. He couldn’t help it. To think that any connection left with Sasuke was non-existent was something Naruto couldn’t handle. 

That was why he had no other choice but to believe that Sasuke was listening. And Naruto wondered if Sasuke was missing him just as much, even though he was where his family was. Sasuke had sworn never to forget, and Naruto had as well. 

If there was one promise he made to Sasuke he would actually keep, it would be that he never forgot him. 

No one could ever replace Sasuke. 

Can I lay by your side?
Next to you, you
And make sure you’re alright
I’ll take care of you
I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight

He and Sasuke had never gotten married. Of course, they had planned to. It was the one thing Naruto had wanted the most in the world, to be with Sasuke and recognised for being connected to the man he loved in such a way. 

But the time had been running out, and any changes to government concerning same-sex relationships weren’t to anywhere to be seen anytime soon. 

So naturally, they had performed their own ceremony. 

A semblance of a fractured smile ghosted over Naruto’s face, as he remembered fondly the day he and Sasuke had gotten ‘married’, in their own classic way.

“How did you get those rings, Naruto?” Sasuke, ever the romantic that he was, asked, a fair amount of alarm in his voice as he glanced at naruto open palm, containing a velvet box holding two golden rings within. 

Smirking coyly, Naruto whispered, “I went into the nearest jewellers and took them when the clerk went out to pee.”

Sasuke’s eyes widened in horror and Naruto burst out laughing, a light feeling lifting him upwards out of his doubts. Only Sasuke could make him feel this way.

“Ah man, too easy! You’re too fun to tease Sasuke,” Naruto said happily, and at Sasuke’s sudden angry glare Naruto continued, “Of course I paid for them. Both of them.” Naruto added as justification. 

The anger was practically wiped from Sasuke’s face, and his glance moved back to the rings currently being presented to him. 

“Naruto, why?” Sasuke asked, and Naruto could distinctly hear the sadness in his voice. It caused a sinking feeling to be suddenly known in Naruto’s stomach. 

There was nothing set in stone about Sasuke’s condition, but one thing was certain: it was not improving. Surely Sasuke was preparing himself, so something like this would have not been received well. 

But Naruto was going to change that, because he wouldn’t have any regrets this time. Not with Sasuke. 

Moving one of his hands away from the box, Naruto grabbed Sasuke’s left one and rubbed his thumb back and forth over the pale, bony knuckles. 

“Why? Teme, for a genius you sure ask some dumb questions. Didn’t I tell you once that I would marry you? Do you think those plans have changed?” Naruto wouldn’t focus on what was in the future. He was thinking about right now, and right now he wanted to try and give Sasuke everything he had promised him. 

“Well for one thing I don’t think you planned to propose in a stark white barren hospital room,” Sasuke said gloomily, his gaze cast sideways out the window. 

Naruto persevered, “Eh, minor details. Just a few adjustments are required that’s all.”

Sasuke stiffened and swung his gaze over to Naruto, “A few adjustments?”

When Naruto nodded Sasuke glowered, and pulled his hand away. “Naruto, look at me. I can’t even get up this morning, I look disgusting, and we’re in this fucking hellhole! You’re better off saving those pretty rings for someone else who deserves them because I-”

Raising a hand, Naruto looked straight into Sasuke’s eyes, “Don’t finish that sentence,” he said, voice unusually serious. 

Sasuke shut his mouth, yet it was clear he wanted to say more. And that he was upset. Letting out a sigh, Naruto tried again to reach for Sasuke’s hand. When he wasn’t batted away, he gently tugged Sasuke’s arm forward until his hand was placed right over Naruto’s heart. 

“Sasuke, nobody more than you deserves this ring.” Naruto started. Sasuke had averted his gaze, but Naruto was determined. 

“I’m serious. I could never think of giving this to someone else, because for so long I’ve just wanted to see how it looks on you, y’know? So you see, it’s pretty much impossible, there’s no other choice here. You need this ring.”

“Are you sure you want to give it to someone temporarily?” Sasuke asked bluntly, although the quiver in his voice was unmistakable. 

Naruto smiled gently, “You don’t get it Sasuke. This isn’t a temporary thing. You’re the one who has my heart, Teme, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you.” Sasuke lifted his head, and Naruto went on, “I’m always gonna love you, until the end of my days. And nothing you say or do is gonna stop me, because we are inevitable.”

That did it. Slowly, Sasuke raised his eyes. Naruto parted his lips in silent shock when he saw those gorgeous onyx orbs glimmering with unshed tears. It was heartbreaking to see, but yet Naruto always thought that Sasuke looked so beautiful when he cried. It was like Naruto could see into his soul, and he loved every inch of it. 

“You’re such an idiot, Naruto,” Sasuke said, his voice thick as he tried to hold back his emotions. 

Lifting out one of the golden rings, Naruto pulled Sasuke’s hand away from his heart, and slid it down his finger with perfect ease. 

Wordlessly, Sasuke picked out the remaining golden ring and extended his trembling hand, reaching for Naruto’s left. When he finally held it, Sasuke looked up at Naruto, then pushed the ring onto his finger as well. 

When he looked up again, the first tear fell down Sasuke’s face, a breathtaking smile on his face. Before he let his own emotions take over, Naruto swept Sasuke into his arms and hugged him closer than he had ever done before.

“My one and only is always you, Sasuke. You gotta know by now,” Naruto murmured hoarsely, restraining his voice from breaking down into sobs.

Sasuke pushed his wet face into Naruto’s neck and inhaled deeply, “I know, Naruto. My one and only.”

And they had kissed sweetly as husbands for the first time, the rings shining on their fingers proudly. 

Lay me down tonight
Lay me by your side
Lay me down tonight
Lay me by your side
Can I lay by your side?
Next to you
You

How strange it was, that there was no sight of rain on a day like this. No dark and gloomy clouds, no miserable sheet of rain pouring down. It was a normal morning, if not a little warmer than usual in this brisk winter weather. 

Sasuke had never liked the rain. Always all the time, he would prefer a bright and sunny day. Their friends had constantly joked it was because Naruto was so bright and sunny, that Sasuke couldn’t help but love them. Naturally Sasuke vehemently denied this, a rampant blush on his face even as he did so. 

Walking up the grassy hill, Naruto held the urn carefully in his hands, not loosening his hold for a second. 

The real funeral was over, the memorial plaque dedicated to Sasuke shining brightly in the warm sun over in the garden area of the cemetery. Everyone had been so kind, so caring, offering Naruto words of condolence, stories about Sasuke, and just expressing how much they had loved him. Naruto thought it was incredible, but he needed to be alone. 

When he finally reached the top, he sat down on the ground, uncaring of the wrinkles surely to be found in his suit pants later. Naruto looked out across the city, the wind ruffling his hair as he sat the urn in his lap.

“You’re still always gonna be my one and only, Teme. I hope you know that.” Naruto said out loud, running his fingers over the smooth surface of the urn tenderly. 

Nothing but a strong gust of wind met his words, and Naruto gave a small, watery smile, as freshly new tears slipped down his face, one after the other.  

Someday, he would be with Sasuke again. And he would lie right by his side in the garden, next to him, as it was always meant to be.